Don’t bet the farm on this date until you read this piece
HONOLULU LITE
Charles Memminger —
WHILE the number 8 supposedly is lucky, and dates that include 8s are supposed to be propitious, I have uncovered evidence that this isn’t really the case. I scoured the Internet and found many things that happened on years involving the number 8 that were unlucky, bizarre or just plain weird. Here are just some of them, arranged chronologically:
YEAR 8
>> First Super 8 Motel opens in Bethlehem in response to a lack of room at the inns, going back at least eight years. Sadly, a Motel 6 with free continental breakfast opens right across the street two weeks later.
>> Augustus Caesar defeats Ovid in three sets, capturing the First Roman Empire Tennis Open. Despondent at the loss, Ovid decamps to the remote Black Sea town of Kachoo, where he pens his melancholy poem “Crisco.”
YEAR 88
>> The Romans erect two 140-foot Egyptian obelisks in Italy, but because the builders threw away the boxes with the instructions, the obelisks were erected sideways.
>> Beginning of the Hansolo Dynasty in China, which would continue for roughly 46 minutes. Emperor Howya Doin is overthrown after attempting to build the Great Wall of Buckwheat Noodles.
>> Pope Lukas the Peculiar is replaced by Pope Slappy Wilberforce in a theological dispute over hat size.
>> Noted Poet Vacuous Fatuous, famous for his epic poem “Mrs. Robinson” (later made into a hit movie) is struck by a falling iambic pentameter and killed.
YEAR 888
>> King Charles the Enormously Innocuous dies, separating the Frankish Kingdom into two factions, Regular Franks and Low-Fat Franks.
>> Cerball Mac Supercalifragilistic Quasi Dunlaine, king of Osraig Proper, dies, causing huge sigh of relief by copy editors throughout the land.
henry viii
The number 8 in popular culture:
Is the number 8 lucky in European culture?
If not, it sure is intriguing, at least in the case of Henry VIII.
King of England in the early 16th century, Henry VIII married six women. Jane Seymour died and Katherine Parr outlived him. But he divorced Catherine of Aragon and Anne of Cleves.
Perhaps a tad bit worse than divorce, he beheaded Anne Boleyn after falsely accusing her of behavior such as incest, adultery and treason, according to Wikipedia. He also executed Katherine Howard (different sources spell the names of some of his wives differently), who was found guilty of having an affair. — Katherine Nichols
YEAR 1088
>> “Rebellion of 1088″ is waged against England’s King William the Easily Confused by Frodo Baggins of the Shire. William stepped on by giant tree.
>> First university ever - the University of Bologna - opens to lackluster reviews because the cafeteria serves only salami.
>> In Africa, Hominid Kingdom warrior Mansur ibn Nasir overthrows Risan nbi Rusnam in what is believed to be the first palindrome-related coup d’tat.
>> Death of Norman ruler Robert the Hirsute leaves thousands of men named Norman to wander around Wales in confusion.
>> William de Marzipan, First Earl of Smithereens, invents new confection made from sugar and almonds, which he names “de” after himself.
YEAR 1188
>> England’s King Richard Squirelheart allies with Poofy the Second of France in a misguided attempt to conquer the Island of Misfit Toys.
>> Death of common sense.
>> Noted Arab scribe Usahiemahiaeq Muooqudiiioaae dies in a bizarre avalanche of vowels while trying to write his own name.
YEAR 1288
>> Pope Precious replaces Pope Pomegranate the Bitter in a theological dispute over hat color.
YEAR 1388
>> Absolutely nothing happens.
YEAR 1488
>> The “Battle of the Ambiguous Outcome” rages for an indeterminate amount of time between the Duchy of Mirth and the Duchy of Cheese, leaving Europe confused, yet indifferent, over who won.
>> Unknown Japanese samurai invents first working handgun constructed entirely of tofu. Prototype eaten by dog.
YEAR 1588
> Due to a mix-up in nautical charts, the Spanish Armada, bristling with 130 ships, 3,000 canon and 30,000 men, mistakenly attacks Hoboken, N.J.
YEAR 1688
>> English buccaneer William Dampier becomes first man to land on Christmas Island. Also becomes first man to land on Mrs. Dampier. He leaves Christmas Island when he discovers there are no toys to be plundered.
YEAR 1788
>> Brothers Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm write “Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs” but, sadly, the eighth dwarf, Scabby, dies after one of his many sores becomes infected from too much scratching.
>> Celebrated Paris transvestite and stage singer Guy de Guy dies in a freak corset-related accident while performing an early version of “Boogie Shoes.”
YEAR 1888
>> Bad year for Italian calendar publishers. When 1888 is written in Roman numerals, it has the most digits of any year ever written (3,492). The “Girls of the Vatican” calendar runs 429 pages with only two photographs.
—
Charles Memminger’s book, “Hey Waiter! There’s an Umbrella in My Drink!” is sold in bookstores and online. E-mail him at cmemminger@starbulletin.com
